Life's Lessons

THE SCRIPT

Sid the Sorcerer Segment

ENTER:  Sid the Sorcerer. His assistant is sitting at a desk nearby, with his feet up as he is reading something on his iPad.

Sid the Sorcerer: (talking to himself) At last!  It’s finished!  My finest creation!  This one’s a gem!  A sorcerer’s dream!  I really think I outdid myself this time!  Yes. 

Assistant (while distracted on his tablet):  Huh. That’s Cool.   

Sid: Yes.  It is cool. Very cool.  Almost excruciatingly so... no other sorcerer has one of these babies.  With this wand, I can create any animal I desire… no complicated spells required… just a thought, a flick and a little phrase I made up.

Assistant:  (still distracted):  Yeah.  Cool.

Sid:  Yes. Yes, you said that already. This...this could change everything!  No more endangered species!  No more lonely old ladies without cats!  No more kids without puppies!  It’s a breakthrough, that’s what it is.  Yes.  Yes, a breakthrough!

Assistant:  (coming to life a bit, looks up from his tablet):  Hey, that is actually pretty cool.  What is the "little phrase" that you’ll use with it?

Sid:  Aha!  I thought you’d never ask!  (Gets closer and whispers it) - tuchus baboookus!

Assistant: (glances up from tablet) Tuchus?  Seriously?

Sid:  So, let’s take this baby for a test drive, shall we?  (gets ready to wave wand).  What animal should I create? 

Assistant:  With that spell? I think a baboon...

Sid:  Hmmm...you know, I’ve always wanted to see a real, live Unicorn!  Yes. Yes. That’s the ticket.  A Unicorn it is!  Unicorn...think unicorn...unicorn...unicorn...

(closes eyes, prepares wand - flourishes it)  Tuchus...Ba...

Assistant:  Hey!  Check out this Octopus video!

Sid: Babookus!

(A Uctopus suddenly “magically” appears from behind the wall)  

Sid:  What?!  You’re not like any unicorn I’ve ever seen!  

Uctopus:  How many unicorns HAVE you seen?  Actually, thanks to you, I’m one of a kind - I’m a Uctopus - kind of a cross between a Unicorn and an octopus.

Sid:  Oy!  I must have been distracted!  I think I need to try this again...(prepares wand, closes eyes and  starts spell)  Yes.  Yes... concentrate... Unicorn... Unicorn...Tuchus....

Assistant:  Koalas!  New Koalas at the zoo!

Sid:  Babookus!  

(A koalacorn appears)

Sid:  Oy vey!  Not again!

Koalacorn:  Hey, I’m hungry.  Do you have any fresh Eucalyptus leaves around here?  Maybe sprinkled with a little stardust?  

Sid:  Don’t tell me.  A Koalacorn?

Koalacorn:  Yep.

Sid:  Oy.  Well, as they say, three’s a charm...

Uctopus:  Who’s “they”?

Koalacorn:  And do you mean one of those little charms that you put on a bracelet?  Cause I once had a chai charm like that, but I lost it...

The assistant is now very interested in what is going on.  He understands that he has distracted Sid, and in doing so, has helped to create these odd creatures.  He looks like he’s up to something.

Assistant:  (getting up, and winking at the audience) Yeah, you should try one more time.  I’m sure you’ll get it right this time.  Go ahead, do the thought-flick-phrase thing.

Sid:  Yes, yes.  That’s the ticket.  Third time.  Charm.  Here we go... quiet everyone.  I need to concentrate (closes his eyes, prepares wand)... unicorn...

Assistant: (whispering into Sid’s ear) Dinosaur...

Sid:  Unicorn...

Assistant:  Dinosaur...

Sid:  Unicorn...

Assistant:  Dinosaur...

Sid:  Dinocorn...

Assistant:  Dinocorn...

Sid:  Dinocorn...Tuchus Babookus!

(A Dinocorn appears)

Assistant laughs and Sid opens his eyes.  

Sid:  Oy Vey!!  You’re a...

Dinocorn and Assistant:  Dinocorn!!

Dinocorn begins to socialize with his new animal friends.

The Assistant laughs, then joins in their discussion while Sid looks confused, shaking his head and trying to figure out what happened.  He comes to a realization and interrupts their conversation.

Sid:  Well, you all aren’t exactly what I expected.  You’re better!!  Yes. Yes. Better.  You can talk!  You can ask questions!

Dinocorn:  Yeah, like, when is it time for dinner?

Koalacorn:  And what do we get to do for fun?

Uctopus:  And who will take care of us?

Sid:  Well, I guess that’s me. Yes.  Yes.  Me.  So, well... yes.  I guess you’ll need to have some lessons about life before you go out into the big bad world...

Animals:  What?!  Lessons?!!  (animals scurry away and hide)

“LIFE’S LESSONS”

Sid:         Come out my little friends

         Come out from your hiding.

         I’m not here to hurt you

         I just want to teach you

         I want to teach you lessons

         I think you ought to know

         And so I’ll sing this little song

         And this is how it goes...

         You’ve got to...

Chorus:

         Have a lot of patience

Have respect for others

Learn from everybody 

And admit to your mistakes

You must be content with what you have,

And practice self-control

And if you do not do these things

You will be taken from this world

Listen to the lessons of the rabbis--

Ha’Kappar Ben Zoma and Hillel.

They’re rockin’ when they’re talkin’

Bout’ the meaning of life,

And if you listen to their lessons

You’ll do well.

You’ve got to honor other creatures, 

Respect their awesome features

I will be your teacher

In all these crazy things

Envy and desire 

Will make you a dirty liar

Your pants will catch on fire

For a whole entire day!

Listen to the lessons of the rabbis

Ha’Kappar Ben Zoma and Hillel

They’re rockin’ when they’re talkin’

Bout’ the meaning of life,

And if you listen to their lessons

You’ll do well.

Sid:  So, yes...well.  Let’s get on with it. As Ben Zoma said, a wise person learns from everyone. The first lesson you need to learn takes place a long time ago, in a shirtwaist factory on the Lower East Side of New York City....

BINTEL BRIEF SCENE

Characters: Benjamin - protagonist

                  Shmuel - Benjamin’s older, greedy brother

                  Nimrod - Benjamin’s younger brother - a little slow                       Foreman 

                  Chorus of workers 

Cue music

Scene opens on a shirtwaist factory in New York on the Lower East Side.  Workers are sitting at their sewing machines in a large room, sewing and looking forlorn.  There is an office behind a partition to the right of the room, with a desk and chair.

Workers working at their stations, tirelessly sewing, the foreman is walking around with a giant yardstick.  

Music stops.

        

WORKER #1:  (exhausted) When will we have a break?

         FOREMAN: You want a break?  I’ll give you a permanent break!  (Slaps table with his yardstick ) Don’t push your luck, or you’ll be pushing a rag cart down Hester Street!  And make sure your seams are straight -- the boss don’t pay for no crooked seams!

         (Workers continue to stare at him, not moving)

         FOREMAN:  Work!

Enter - the three brothers (Benyamin, Nimrod and Shmuel):  Shmuel is counting his money, laughing cruelly and singing

SHMUEL:  (singing greedily) I got a dollar, I got a dollar!  I got a dollar! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!  (laughs an evil laugh)

Nimrod is walking around the factory, trying to talk to the workers, who look petrified because the foreman is glowering at them to get back to work.

SHMUEL:  “We’re on a roll, brothers.  These shirt collars are making us more money than we could ever have made in the old country!”  

NIMROD:  “Yeah! We’re like the Kardashians of shirt collars!  

SHMUEL:  And as long as we pay the lowest wages, we can make more… and more of it. 

NIMROD:  (points to the workers with his thumb) Hey, these guys don’t even know that we keep moving the clock back so they work extra hours!  Hahaha!  

SHMUEL:  Shah!  We want to keep it that way, so SHECKET!

BENJAMIN:  I dunno, Shmuel.  I’m beginning to wonder if we should change our ways.  I’ve been reading this here newspaper, and it’s filled with stories about Jews like us, who are struggling just to stay alive here in the Golden Medina.  

(All three brothers turn to the audience, do a disco move and sing):  Funky Gold Medina!

NIMROD:  What kinda stories?

BENJAMIN:  Well, There’s this feature called “The Real Housewives of Hester Street”, and there’s an informative article called, “So You Think You Can Daven.”  And I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t stop reading the Weekly Adventures of Hanna Boo Boo and her Mamala.  But my favorite article is called A Bintel Brief.  It’s a weekly column where the editor answers questions from the readers about life in America.

NIMROD:  What kinda questions?

BENJAMIN:  Well, they’re mostly about how to treat other people...and they’ve got me thinkin’...

Shmuel glances worriedly at Nimrod. Nimrod just picks his nose.

BENJAMIN (walking into his office):  I’ve got some work to do...just going over this week’s profits. I’ll be out soon. 

Cue Music

(to himself) Profits...profits...profits are great, but what would the prophets say?

SONG:

Workers’ Chorus

Chorus:  Where are the roads paved with gold?

         Where is our justice, true and bold?

         We came here to prosper,

         But still we are poor

         Are we ungrateful if we should want more?

Benyamin:  Robber, cold blodded robber

         What are you doing?

         What have you done? 

         You take it all,

         But give back none.

(workers chorus continues to “still we are poor”)

         Robber, cold blodded robber

         What are you doing?

         What have you done? 

        

You turn back the hands of the clock,

         The foreman won’t let them talk.

        

You can’t let them live this way (x2)

         You used to be just like them

Chorus, in round:  Where are the roads paved with gold?

         Where is our justice, true and bold?

         We came here to prosper,

         But still we are poor

         Are we ungrateful if we should want more?

(At end of song, Benjamin bursts out of his office, addressing the factory workers, the foreman and his brothers).

BENJAMIN:  I can’t keep doing this.

SHMUEL:  Doing what?

BENJAMIN:  Taking advantage of our workers like this.  Papa wouldn’t have wanted us to treat our fellow Jews this way.

NIMROD:  Yeah, Papa wouldn’t like it!

SHMUEL:  Papa would be proud of what we’ve built here!  And the workers?  They’re only greenhorns.  They’re lucky to have a job!

NIMROD:  Yeah, lucky to have a job!

BENJAMIN:  We were greenhorns once too, remember?  And we didn’t like the way we were treated.  

NIMROD:  Yeah, we didn’t!

BENJAMIN: I say it’s time to put things right; pay them a decent wage; give them breaks to nosh, and let them kibbitz a little while they’re working.  I mean, come on - maybe they’d stop singing these awful, depressing songs!

SHMUEL:  But what about our profits? If we pay a decent wage, we lose money!  No. We need to keep the status quo!

NIMROD:  Yeah, da status quo!  (aside to Ben:)  What’s a status quo?

BENJAMIN: It means to keep things the same way they are now.  And the way they are now isn’t right!   Shmuel, your name should be Haman.  And if you wanna keep the status quo, you need to keep it somewhere ELSE! Don’t forget - I’m the senior partner in this factory, which means I can buy you out.  (counting money to hand over to Brother 1) 

NIMROD:  (pointing to Shmuel) Buy YOU out!

BENJAMIN:  Which...is...exactly what I’m going to do.  (hands money to Shmuel).

And from now on, we have comprehensive health care, minimum wage, a 40 hour workweek and a bonus of $10 each (direct address to audience:  which, with inflation, is actually worth $600 today) 

And we’re going GREEN!

QUICK TRANSITIONAL SCENE TO SID AND ANIMALS...

Uctopus:  Wow.  I think I get it!  You want us to treat others fairly.

Sid:  ...Yes, you DO get it!  And do you know how Benjamin showed his wisdom?

Koalacorn: By reading a Bintl Brief, he learned how hard life was for people like his workers.

Sid: Bingo! But that’s not all... as Rabbi Elazar Ben HaKapar said, “Envy, desire and the pursuit of honor take a person from this world...”  

ANIMALS:  Take a person from this world?

SID:  Yes!  Away from everything that matters! 

DINOCORN: But we’re animals!

SID: Animals, too. Here, let me explain.  Once, not so very long ago, there was a girl whose parents loved her very much, but no matter what they gave her, she wanted more...

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SCENE 3 - GREEDY GIRL

(Girl and her friends enter, talking to each other about the stuff they all want to buy at the mall.)

GIRL:  I can’t wait to spend my Bat Mitzvah money!  My daddy will totally let me buy anything I want!

FRIEND:  Wow!  Really?  My parents made me give almost all my money to tzedakah!

FRIEND 2:  Yeah, me too!  And I had to save what was left over for college!

GIRL:  Well, I haven’t actually asked my dad yet...but I know that he’ll let me get whatever I want.  As a matter of fact, I’ve already started ordering stuff.

FRIEND:  How did you do that??

GIRL:  Well, I used...

DAD ENTERS with a long bill:  MY CREDIT CARD!!!!  It’s maxed out!!  Gucci.com, Free People.. Michael Kours.com...Tiffany’s!  Becca...do you know anything about these charges?  

Daddy I Want It!

BECCA:

Daddy I want it

Daddy I need it

Please Daddy, please

I can’t live without it

The world is my oyster

And I am the pearl

How could you do this to

your little girl?

CHORUS

If I don’t get it I’ll scream

If I don’t get I’ll cry

Why would you ruin my dreams?

If I don’t get it I’ll die!

VERSE

Daddy I want it

Daddy I need it

Please Daddy, please

I can’t live without it

BRIDGE

I need some Manolos

I can’t live without those

If you give me more Uggs

I’ll give you more hugs

I need Jimmy Choos!

Just give me more shoes!

VERSE

Daddy I want it

Daddy I need it

Please Daddy, please

I can’t live without it

CHORUS

If I don’t get it I’ll scream

If I don’t get I’ll cry

Why would you ruin my dreams?

If I don’t get it I’ll die!

RAP - GIRL

Abercrombie, Hollister

Take me to the Apple Store

Tiffany’s the place to be

Can I get more jewelry?

No Gymboree or Justice

Give those stores a goodbye kiss!

Take me to Neiman’s for sure!

Do you wanna make us look poor?

Word!

BRIDGE-DAD

No I You don’t need those

You have enough clothes

I won’t buy another 

Go ask your mother

No At&T

Don’t talk back to me!

VERSE

I am not spoiled (Dad: Yes you are...)

I’m not a brat  (that’s debatable...)

I just want  ( what else do you want?)

All of that!  (OY VEY!) 

CHORUS

If I don’t get it I’ll scream

If I don’t get I’ll cry

Why would you ruin my dreams?

If I don’t get it I’ll die!

DADDY I WANT IT!!!

Each time an item is mentioned in the song, it is delivered to the girl, each one bigger than the last...until she is completely covered by the items by the end.

CLOSING SCENE WITH SORCERER SID AND ANIMALS:

SID:  So you see, there are many things to learn about how to be a mensch in this world.  

ANIMALS: Not bad! From Vilda Chaya to Mensch in an afternoon!

SONG (EVERYBODY): You’ve got to…

Chorus:

Have a lot of patience

Have respect for others

Learn from everybody 

And admit to your mistakes

You must be content with what you have,

And practice self-control

And if you do not do these things

You will be taken from this world

Listen to the lessons of the rabbis--

Ha’Kappar Ben Zoma and Hillel.

They’re rockin’ when they’re talkin’

Bout’ the meaning of life,

And if you listen to their lessons

You’ll do well.

You’ve got to honor other creatures, 

Respect their awesome features

I will be your teacher

In all these crazy things

Envy and desire 

Will make you a dirty liar

Your pants will catch on fire

For a whole entire day!

Listen to the lessons of the rabbis

Ha’Kappar Ben Zoma and Hillel

They’re rockin’ when they’re talkin’

Bout’ the meaning of life,

And if you listen to their lessons

You’ll do well.